The REAL Betrayal of Judas
by captainwhiteshadow
Summary: Jesus talks to His disciples about His greatness. Judas asks perfectly reasonable questions. WARNING: Will most likely highly offend you if you are Christian.


**Disclaimer: I do not own the Bib-wait, no one owns the Bible, why the hell am I writing a disclaimer?**

_**The REAL Betrayal of Judas**_

"And all shall bow before Me, for I am actually my Father the Creator, the Almighty One, the Perfect Being, He Who You Are Not Worthy Of!" Jesus humbly proclaimed.

There was a nearby cough that sounded something like dull ship, and Paul leaned toward Simon to whisper, "And he tells us pride is a sin..."

"And God loves you so much, more than you'll ever know. That's why, if you disobey Him, He'll make you burn in Hell, writhing in unimaginable agony for all eternity," Jesus further explained.

Someone raised their hand.

"Yes, Judas?"

Judas gave his Lord a curious look. "So, what's Heaven like?"

"Oh, it's a true paradise!" Jesus exclaimed excitedly. "A place where no one ever has to sleep, so they can spend all day singing songs about how great God/Me is, and kneeling before Him, because he is the epitome of goodness and light."

Judas frowned. He enjoyed sleeping, because in his dreams he could be whoever he wanted and could be truly happy. Plus, eating bananas right before sleeping gave him some crazy awesome dreams. "What's the food like? Is it tasty?"

Jesus chuckled light-heartedly. "Food? Why would you need food in Heaven? You never get hungry or thirsty in Paradise! You can just spend all day drinking in how awesome I am!"

Judas blinked. "Um...don't get me wrong, you're a great guy and all Jesus, but being able to taste all the amazing flavors the world has to offer is kinda something I'm gonna miss..."

"No you won't, you'll be too busy singing and dancing with the angels. After that, you'll fan my feet with leaves and kiss them," Jesus said with a soft smile, as if dealing with a child.

"Isn't kissing any part of another man kinda...gay?" Judas asked. "And didn't you say being gay was a sin?"

"Oh, it's not gay if it's with me, because I'm perfect no matter what. But yes, for a man to kiss a man, or a woman to kiss a woman, is homosexuality, and it is wrong," Jesus explained.

"But, uh...I mean, why? It doesn't really seem like it's hurting anyone," Judas said. All eyes were flickering between him and Jesus now, all wanting answers, but not all brave enough to voice them.

Jesus's smile faded, and his eyes narrowed. "Doesn't hurt anyone? Doesn't hurt anyone, Judas? Those queers hurt everyone! They kill off future generations by not reproducing! God's greatest desire is for mankind to multiply. They go against that!"

"So why are some people sterile?" Judas asked. "Come to think of it, didn't God destroy an entire city just because some guys were kissing each other? And didn't that Lot fellow have sex with his daughters-did God not care about the whole incest thing at the time, but now it's an issue? And then there are all those natural disasters that kill off thousands of our kind. And stillbirths-don't those babies deserve a chance? Why doesn't God put an end to all these tragedies?"

There was silence for a long time. "Because God works in mysterious ways," Jesus replied with a shrug.

Judas looked flabbergasted. "There's nothing mysterious about standing by and watching a crime! I could just as easily go up to my father, give him a good ass raping while snorting a line of coke, and when my mother comes in asking what the hell I'm doing, I reply 'I'm being mysterious!' That's not going to go down well with the guards, Jesus."

"That's blasphemy!" Luke shouted, standing up, but Jesus held up a hand to calm him. Instead, he turned into a fish, but no one noticed or cared, because Luke is an asshole and no one loves him. Not even God.

"God gives the heaviest burden only to those he knows can carry it," Jesus said sage-like. "It is a test to see if you will choose good-the hard way-over evil-the easy way. It is a test of love and loyalty."

"But why?" Judas asked again. "Why should we have to go through such trials and tribulations? What loving parent makes their child suffer just to prove a point? And what child would love a parent who sits back and watches them writhe in turmoil? I prayed for my cousin to get better, and he died the next day. Was that supposed to make me love God more? Because He didn't do anything when he could have ended my cousin's pain?"

"Your cousin is with God in Paradise now," Jesus said.

Judas stood up from the table and yelled angrily, "Yeah, apparently licking the boots of the one who let him suffer! You tell us it is a crime to do such things. So why should it be any different for God?"

Jesus began to sweat. "Um..." Suddenly, he pulled out a piece of bread, and it turned into a bunny. "Ta-da!"

Just then, Lucifer poofed into existence in a flash of smoke. He was dressed in fine robes, and had his blonde hair slicked back in a business-like style. He grinned at Judas. "Hey, buddy, guess what? I just heard that a couple of my sexy, lustful succubae demons wanna shag you and then make you a sammich. After that, you and I can play this cool game from the future called Mario Party, pop open a couple of cold ones, and later on you can help me torture that uncle of yours...you know..."

Judas's smile grew tenfold. "Oh, Hell yeah!"

"Wait!" Jesus shouted. "I, as your Lord and master, command you to stop right there Judas! You don't know what you're doing. Do not give into temptation! Why would you want to commit such terrible sins as drinking beer and having sex and lazing about playing fun games? And have I not taught you to love thy enemies?"

Judas raised an eyebrow, and said, "Let's go, Lucifer."

And they were gone in a flash of flames.

**A/N: Just lettin' off a bit of steam. I read Revelations and was like, "Holy shit God is full of himself. What happened to the loving and forgiving God that teaches everyone that humility is the way to go?" In Revelations, God basically comes down, kills off all the nonbelievers even if they had been mostly good people their whole lives, saves all the believers even if they were asshole rapists and murderers who at the last second prayed for forgiveness, and then has everyone bow before Him (-do you see this shit? You have to capitalize the 'h' do describe God) while they fan him with leaves like he's some kind of tribal king. Not a very humble image if you ask me.**


End file.
